I often wonder... as I glaze over a room of people.... What happens when I make eye contact? I almost instantly look away when I do. I don't want people looking into my eyes.. I often feel that my eyes are sending messages out about me that I don't want sent... When I look into the eyes of a stranger or even an acquaintance who does not yet know how I think... What happens? I feel judged when someone looks me in the eyes without acknowledging me. and I rarely think I the judgement is a positive one. When I catch the gaze of another I wonder... do they think I am a creep? do they think I was watching them? I know I was not, I just happened to catch their gaze. They probably think I am a horrible person... What do I look like to them... are these same thoughts running through their head about me? What kind of an impression have I left? Is there something wrong with me that I always assume that I have left a bad impression on others unless I have reason to think otherwise? Is awkwardness always felt by two people? or can one feel completely comfortable while the other feels completely awful. Does anyone else wonder about this? Am I making a big deal about nothing? Do I have mental problems? Maybe if I just looked down all the time and never caught the gaze of another, I could avoid the awkwardness of this strange eye contact... My eyes would stop letting the secrets out of my soul. But if I look down people will think that I am depressed... and I don't want that... No one wants to be around someone who is depressed all the time... What can I do to avoid this? How can I stop others from thinking there is something wrong with me? How can I stop others from constantly judging me by the lies my eyes send out about my soul? Perhaps they are not lies... perhaps I am so worried because the messages my eyes send are true. Perhaps its all in my head and my eyes are sending no messages at all. What about my body language? Do I have strange mannerisms? do I look like that guy who is clueless about how ridiculous he looks all the time? Am I too lanky to look confident? If I am lanky is there anything I can do about it? Would anyone ever accept the fact that I will always look that way? If my friends knew about all these things that go on in my head would they abandon me? Are these fears normal? Do I need medication? Does anyone else think this way? Does anyone else belabor these thoughts as much as I do? Why does it matter so much? Is it a Sin to think this way? Why does God have any interest such an awful person as me? I guess God is only interested in the people who need to be saved. Thats why Jesus chose fishermen as his disciples and not pharisees. Why do I feel safe posting this here? where everyone can see it? I guess I am looking for the comments of others. Here Goes...

     I know, its been a while, I'm sorry.
     A lot of construction has happened to the church in Santa Ana. Over the last week, we have poured the rest of the new pillars needed, and took the roof off over Horté's classroom. There were 3 layers of roof to take off, and the rubble from it is incredible. All that remains of the roof is a rusty re-bar grid that held the first roof up. Jon is going to have a new roof put on before the fall so that the school can be used for the fall.
     The team that is here now will be going to Comichines next week, and i will be spending this upcoming week doing computer work, and focusing on my cross cultural requirements for college.
     I will upload more photos soon, and i will post a link here of the new album when I do.